A few decisions, a way down the road

Well, we COULD do images, and I may again, some time down the road. I still intend at some point to go through Andy's pictures and edit them for posting, but I have some equipment and software upgrading to do before that can happen. In the meantime, I'm working with verbal/mental images, by way of writing and specifically for this, poetry. I've posted several to the Daily Kos Indigo Kalliope diary thread, and I thought I'd share them here, too. I'm doing a series on places I lived, growing up, and I've also done some grief ones related to losing Andy. So, here are a few of the latter:

To My Husband, Andy, on the Probable Anniversary of the Date of His Death

You couldn't have known of my internal vow

To rededicate myself to you
And our relationship

And to efforts to make the best
Of our admittedly difficult circumstances,
When I finally made it back to you.

Your loss left all that intention lying in the dust,
Lost in the undertow of the tsunami
Your death created in my life.

Listening to the rain pour down outside my window
Here,
Now,
I wonder:

Out of which loose threads in my current existence
The direction(s) for the future will be composed?

Right now,
Today,
Tonight,
All I can do is just get through it.

Get through,
And see what tomorrow will bring.

A year is such a short/long time.



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Reflections on Coming Home, (the Second Time) after Losing You

I've been haunted by your ghost
The entire trip back
Florida to Portland,

By North,

To your sisters', Karen first:
Maryland, places where you grew up,
Went to high school,
Found your love of dance and SAABs;

Connecticut, where you found and lost
Matrimonial love, the first time,
Were a Morris Dancer, and an EMT.
Met our Facebook friend Janet there,
Lives touching because of you.

Massachusetts, dinner with Lyrl,
(Beaded pendant with your picture)
Beautiful Martha’s Vineyard
Poet Lee, another treasured Facebook friend
And Deborah, your old dance partner, and her Andy.

Then by West,

To my aunt, my mom’s only sister
And some of my cousins in Indiana and Ohio,
Foregone before, as had been planned
Because of your departure from mortality.

You've been with me
With every step,
With every turn of the wheels,
With every sunset.

So strange
To be completing a cycle
That can never be completed,
Because you will never be
At the end of it,
Ever.           
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Anniversary

Today is the sad, sad anniversary.
The day my son, Shaun discovered
Beyond all doubt
What at least a few of us
Might have begun to fear by that point.
              
Andy was gone.
This date - June 7th, 2012
That his death certificate gives
As the official date of death.

I have thought of
And referred to this
As the end of  hell week,
And the beginning of the ongoing purgatory
Of life without Andy,
My beloved husband.

And so we all go on,
With our lives
And our memories
Of a truly sweet, talented man,
Too soon gone....
-------------
Widow Ruminating I

A house just the right size
For two,
Or a small family
(I was a single mom
With two kids
When I acquired it)
Is a very lonely place
When one occupies it
All by oneself.

The ghost of my husband
Still lives very large here.
I wouldn't have it another way,
At least, not for now,
But the chores left behind
To do
Can definitely be
A bit much
For one alone.

Phew
Ack
Sigh.
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A couple of haiku, to end this with:


Hard to find balance
After loss of dear husband
Loved more than I knew.
-------
Widowhood. Forced change
Traumatic stress disorder
Life? It’s transitions!