Don't Know What's Up?

So, I got an email from Google, saying their webcrawler couldn't crawl this blog, which I've embedded in my site. Admittedly, the site needs a lot of work. Once the SAAB Owners' Convention is over, I'll make updating this a priority. I don't know if putting a fresh entry in here will help, but we'll see if it does. In the meantime, I have lots of diaries posted over at Daily Kos, mostly under The Grieving Room, Indigo Kalliope, and a few for Itzl Alert Network.

Hopefully, I'll be back sooner, rather than later, but probably after August 10th, in any case. Until then, I'll be busy with photos and preparing for the convention.

Thanks for reading! (If anybody does.) 8^P

A few decisions, a way down the road

Well, we COULD do images, and I may again, some time down the road. I still intend at some point to go through Andy's pictures and edit them for posting, but I have some equipment and software upgrading to do before that can happen. In the meantime, I'm working with verbal/mental images, by way of writing and specifically for this, poetry. I've posted several to the Daily Kos Indigo Kalliope diary thread, and I thought I'd share them here, too. I'm doing a series on places I lived, growing up, and I've also done some grief ones related to losing Andy. So, here are a few of the latter:

To My Husband, Andy, on the Probable Anniversary of the Date of His Death

You couldn't have known of my internal vow

To rededicate myself to you
And our relationship

And to efforts to make the best
Of our admittedly difficult circumstances,
When I finally made it back to you.

Your loss left all that intention lying in the dust,
Lost in the undertow of the tsunami
Your death created in my life.

Listening to the rain pour down outside my window
Here,
Now,
I wonder:

Out of which loose threads in my current existence
The direction(s) for the future will be composed?

Right now,
Today,
Tonight,
All I can do is just get through it.

Get through,
And see what tomorrow will bring.

A year is such a short/long time.



--------------
Reflections on Coming Home, (the Second Time) after Losing You

I've been haunted by your ghost
The entire trip back
Florida to Portland,

By North,

To your sisters', Karen first:
Maryland, places where you grew up,
Went to high school,
Found your love of dance and SAABs;

Connecticut, where you found and lost
Matrimonial love, the first time,
Were a Morris Dancer, and an EMT.
Met our Facebook friend Janet there,
Lives touching because of you.

Massachusetts, dinner with Lyrl,
(Beaded pendant with your picture)
Beautiful Martha’s Vineyard
Poet Lee, another treasured Facebook friend
And Deborah, your old dance partner, and her Andy.

Then by West,

To my aunt, my mom’s only sister
And some of my cousins in Indiana and Ohio,
Foregone before, as had been planned
Because of your departure from mortality.

You've been with me
With every step,
With every turn of the wheels,
With every sunset.

So strange
To be completing a cycle
That can never be completed,
Because you will never be
At the end of it,
Ever.           
-----------
Anniversary

Today is the sad, sad anniversary.
The day my son, Shaun discovered
Beyond all doubt
What at least a few of us
Might have begun to fear by that point.
              
Andy was gone.
This date - June 7th, 2012
That his death certificate gives
As the official date of death.

I have thought of
And referred to this
As the end of  hell week,
And the beginning of the ongoing purgatory
Of life without Andy,
My beloved husband.

And so we all go on,
With our lives
And our memories
Of a truly sweet, talented man,
Too soon gone....
-------------
Widow Ruminating I

A house just the right size
For two,
Or a small family
(I was a single mom
With two kids
When I acquired it)
Is a very lonely place
When one occupies it
All by oneself.

The ghost of my husband
Still lives very large here.
I wouldn't have it another way,
At least, not for now,
But the chores left behind
To do
Can definitely be
A bit much
For one alone.

Phew
Ack
Sigh.
----------
A couple of haiku, to end this with:


Hard to find balance
After loss of dear husband
Loved more than I knew.
-------
Widowhood. Forced change
Traumatic stress disorder
Life? It’s transitions!

Andy and Sasuke composite

This is one of Andy's last images, done, I believe, for a non-credit class he was taking in photography at PCC-Southeast. Posting as a memorial to both of them, since they are both gone now.

Andy's Birthday Virtual Memorial

As I did on the Nordlys Dancers webpage, I am opening up this blog to reflections and comments from people who may wish to express their thoughts and aren't on Facebook, where I initiated the virtual memorial on Andy's memorial Facebook page. I don't know if anyone will take advantage of this opportunity, but as promised, I'm making it available to the non-Facebook users. I will probably compile all the posts at some point in the future so they can be shared with all who choose to participate, whether on Facebook or off.

An Ending, and Where Do We Go from Here?

With Andy's passing at the end of May/beginning of June, (June 7th was the day my son, Shaun found the body of my husband, passed away in his sleep, most likely of a heart attack, sitting in his desk chair in front of his computer with the computer still running. I was away, visiting my younger son, Brendan, at the time) the dream we had of building a business together, based on (mostly) his photography and (mostly) my Photoshop editing (though, increasingly, he was taking that on too, as his skills increased) is over. The whole thing is so raw, still, that I haven't really begun a serious consideration of where I go now, from here. I'm trying to put together a fitting memorial service/celebration for him, though it's really for us, the ones he left behind. The house, torn up from dealing with the biohazard situation the delayed discovery of his decomposing body created, is still a wreck. It's hard to say when those repairs will be completed, though they ARE in process. I've put my graduate school application process on hold, and I can't predict now whether or not I'll pursue that, once things calm down. I can't even think about it now.

Ironically, Andy is providing for me better now, in a financial sense, than he was able to when alive. My survivor's benefit from his Social Security, combined with a pittance of an annuity payment from a 401k he had from a long-ago job, puts at least a minimal income floor under me, so I can scrape by until I find work, once I'm ready to look for it, assuming there will be any work to be had when I am. I took a lump-sum distribution of another 401k he had from another long-ago job, and rolled that into a newly established IRA of my own, along with a tiny bit of retirement from a WA state civil service job I had, briefly, long ago, so I can draw on that down the road when I need it.

What a 60th birthday present, huh? Followed by what would have been our 4th wedding anniversary. I figured he'd probably go before I did, but so damn SOON?!   Crap.
Part of me just wants to crawl under the covers and never come out. But, I have that memorial to put together, the house to put BACK together, two wonderful sons (and their girlfriends) who have been absolute troupers and angels throughout all of this, my three sisters, who though scattered geographically, lend their moral support, and Andy's family and many, many friends, (and a few of my own) so I guess I have to keep going,whether I like it or not. I keep waiting to wake up from the nightmare, but unfortunately, I'm not asleep, and this bad dream just goes on and on and on.... Sigh. Slog along, one foot in front of the other...waiting and hoping for the day when things lift a little...hope it's not TOO long....

This Web Stuff Ain't Easy!

It has taken far longer than I expected to get this site to an initial posting state, and it still has a way to go before it'll be completely up and running.  Every step seems to lead to another learning situation.  I'm hoping that eventually the process will become familiar enough that I'll be able to do it faster, and then I can explore the creative end more.  Whew!

The First Post

As Andy and I are launching our new website to promote our aspiring photographic images business, so too we are embarking on a blog to go with, and assist in the promotion effort.  We'll be tracing our journey to whatever the future will hold for this hopeful endeavor of ours.  Mistakes made, lessons learned, triumphs and tragedies, they'll all be here.  Stay tuned.