With Andy's passing at the end of May/beginning of June, (June 7th was the day my son, Shaun found the body of my husband, passed away in his sleep, most likely of a heart attack, sitting in his desk chair in front of his computer with the computer still running. I was away, visiting my younger son, Brendan, at the time) the dream we had of building a business together, based on (mostly) his photography and (mostly) my Photoshop editing (though, increasingly, he was taking that on too, as his skills increased) is over. The whole thing is so raw, still, that I haven't really begun a serious consideration of where I go now, from here. I'm trying to put together a fitting memorial service/celebration for him, though it's really for us, the ones he left behind. The house, torn up from dealing with the biohazard situation the delayed discovery of his decomposing body created, is still a wreck. It's hard to say when those repairs will be completed, though they ARE in process. I've put my graduate school application process on hold, and I can't predict now whether or not I'll pursue that, once things calm down. I can't even think about it now.
Ironically, Andy is providing for me better now, in a financial sense, than he was able to when alive. My survivor's benefit from his Social Security, combined with a pittance of an annuity payment from a 401k he had from a long-ago job, puts at least a minimal income floor under me, so I can scrape by until I find work, once I'm ready to look for it, assuming there will be any work to be had when I am. I took a lump-sum distribution of another 401k he had from another long-ago job, and rolled that into a newly established IRA of my own, along with a tiny bit of retirement from a WA state civil service job I had, briefly, long ago, so I can draw on that down the road when I need it.
What a 60th birthday present, huh? Followed by what would have been our 4th wedding anniversary. I figured he'd probably go before I did, but so damn SOON?! Crap.
Part of me just wants to crawl under the covers and never come out. But, I have that memorial to put together, the house to put BACK together, two wonderful sons (and their girlfriends) who have been absolute troupers and angels throughout all of this, my three sisters, who though scattered geographically, lend their moral support, and Andy's family and many, many friends, (and a few of my own) so I guess I have to keep going,whether I like it or not. I keep waiting to wake up from the nightmare, but unfortunately, I'm not asleep, and this bad dream just goes on and on and on.... Sigh. Slog along, one foot in front of the other...waiting and hoping for the day when things lift a little...hope it's not TOO long....
